life's a drama.

.

i was really upset with myself just now. really really really upset. as ykno. me and sister have two bank accounts each and one of the banks account, momma and daddy would topup fo us afew hundreds per month and its up fo us to spent wisely. and the other account is dad cpf savings which he left fo us. and werent' suppose to touch it cusz its fo future usage. i was frigging dissapointed with myself. mom and dad kept topping fo us our accounts and it reaches till like 50 thousand. and yesterday i decided to check my balance and i froze and my legs started to wobble . im left with fvcking 6 thousands! wth ! and when i reach home i broke down. thinking of my late dad and mom working so hard. and i just use the money like water . recapping back the times when dad came back from work everyday and would just take off his coat and off to bed. and when its six, i would feel so shitty to wake him up to fetch mom from work. LIKE EVERY SINGLE DAY. my heart sank. and all of a sudden, i miss dad like terribly. and kept thinking how wonderful life could be now with him by my side, fyzah's side and mom side. how diffrent the atmosphere would be. and see-ing mom alone and not being able to talk things out with someone weaken me. daddy, i would sacrifies anything on this world just to spent another day with you by our side. as a family again. (which i kno it will not happen). i miss you daddy.

.

dear mom. i kno even tho dads not here to spent time with you . i kno you are strong enough to overcome all this obstacle coming our way. i kno you have beeeen really lonely this few month without anyone to share your problem , your daily story. but ykno you have your girls (me and sister) and yor favourite boy (ziyad abdat) to back you up when you fall. i hate seeing you alone at home and i kno im selfish becos i kept going. im sorrry mommy. i love you so much in the whole wide world.

.

finally im breaking down and decided to let it out online. i feel so useless. i would even trade my life with dad so that he would live and make mom happy. i kno shes pretending everything is okay and fake those smile. mom, ive been living under one roof with you fo 18 years. i kno you toooo well. and besides, you've lost alot of weight. i swear ! naaay, its just fvcken difficult to share everything in my heart . becusz its hard to turn feelings to words.

.

ill be away fo sometime. miss me alright.